“So have you always been into this stuff?”
The number one question people ask me when I talk about my work or tell them I am psychic is something along the lines of “how long have you been doing this?” or “Have you always been into this?”.
And I always laugh and say “Actually, for years I was a devout atheist!”
As a child, I saw the world differently and could feel and see energies. But for the majority of my life I was filled with doubt and speculation: of myself, religion and other organized belief systems, as well as any sort of higher powers.
My first key memory of any spiritual sense was around eight years old. Every Wednesday night I went to Catholic school. I hated it. I hated church and all types of school. I have major authority issues and I didn’t like being told what to do, what to wear…. ultimately looking back I understand what I couldn’t stand was actually the feeling of having to make myself smaller, and the requirement of diminishing my own inner authority, sexuality, and power, to show respect to something outside of myself. From the beginning I knew…. My power was within.
In catholic school, my teacher cast me in the class play as “Thomas the doubter”. I stared into her eyes in class and wondered “How does she know I’m doubting everything in the Bible? Is she trying to send me a message? Can the other students tell? Am I going to get in trouble for the thoughts inside my head? I thought those were private…”.
I raised my hand and asked my teacher, “What does it mean if you believe that Jesus was a real man, but you don’t believe he was the Messiah?”
She looked at me pitifully and said “Helena, that would mean you’re Jewish.” The other kids in the class laughed at me. I didn’t get what was so funny. I thought, “Well, I guess I’m Jewish.”
Years later in middle school I suffered from deep depression at only 13. Somehow through all of this, I learned the foundational beliefs of Buddhism. No mud, no lotus. Those who experienced the greatest suffering also experienced the greatest joy. That the human condition is to suffer. This was the first spiritual concept that ever made any sense to me. A sort of way to rationalize why good things happened to bad people, and the unfairness and inequality in the world. I thought “Well, I guess I’m buddhist”.
In high school and college, I fought a dark, twisted, all-consuming battle with anorexia. She ensnared my mind and body, and I was lost in thoughts of self-hatred. I used every ounce of my mental and physical energy to control my body, the world around me, and the outcomes of my life. All impossible. After about 6 years of obsessing and torturing myself over keeping my body thin, safe versus unsafe food, and ultimately my ability to control everything inside and outside of me in a logical, linear way- I finally hit rock bottom. Repeated heart palpitations scared the shit out of me, and I began to ask myself what I would do with my life if I knew I was going to die. Because quite literally, I was on that track. I went for a walk in the snow until I found the answer: creativity, teaching children, being outside, yoga and meditation.
Through my yoga practice, I discovered A Course in Miracles. This book was my spiritual surrender. It gave me permission to trust something greater than myself for my own healing, and helped me to let go of the fear that ran my life. It opened my eyes to a way of seeing the world in a way that was “spiritual” but still held a healthy amount of disbelief and questioning. How to see the divine without a church. How to create my own spiritual path and still be free.
And as I began my journey of healing, finding peace with my body, my mind, my dharma (purpose), my sexual power, and the Powers that Be, I began to open… and see and hear….. The voices that were there all along. My spirit guides and guardian angels who would stop me and talk to me when I was in danger, when I needed comfort, and when I needed answers.
Still, it took me years to begin studying with a psychic teacher. Psychic work was at the bottom of my list of things with credibility. After all, I was a scientist! And to me, yoga, astrology, meditation, etc all had concrete biological evidence of their effectiveness and had an academic practice behind them…. But psychic work was all smoke and mirrors to me. Why would I ever pay someone to tell me anything about myself, when I was the only one who set my destiny?
Finally, after years of resisting an invitation to study with a mentor, I gave it a chance. And it only took one class to change everything for me. Once I realized my truth…. There was no going back.
Now, I still have doubts, fears and a lack of trust. This is totally healthy, and any time I tell someone about my work and they say “I don’t know if I believe in all that” I say, “Good! That’s smart!”.
We should all be extremely discerning with where we put our time, energy, and attention. Any teacher who tells you that they have the answers, or that the answers are outside of you, is wrong. You are the first step to your spiritual path. Your curiosity and unique authority is what will lead you down the path to peace. My readings, meditations, teachings, and coachings all have one intention: to help you find peace on your journey. A journey only you can walk. And in the words of Ram Daas ``We are all walking each other home”.
