“Are you happy?”

“Are you happy?” a man once asked me, lying in bed next to me. “I just want to be with someone who is happy.”

I turned my head on the pillow to look at him. I paused for a little too long…. Thinking… considering… I thought about the depth and implications of this question. I deeply considered my answer. This was not the quick yes/no he was looking for. Finally, I said with confidence “Well, I think the human condition is to suffer”.

Needless to say I never saw him again.

But the thing is…. It’s true! I still stand 100% by those words. After years of spiritual practice, explorations of mindfulness and the psyche, this essentially-buddhist idea is what I’ve learned to live by: The human condition is to suffer.

This idea brings me great peace. I believe in the idea that all souls come onto this planet and suffer continuously, collectively, and individually, uniquely in our own way until we die. In the moments that we feel the most joy, ecstasy, pleasure, and happiness, we are actually still suffering, but we have found a pocket to ascend above our mind and body’s suffering to see the truth of our power, our love, and our unity in the present moment. Enlightenment, if you will. In that present moment. 

Enlightenment to me, which some argue is unachievable, is really finding moments of peace or one-ness, within ourselves and between others, throughout our suffering, aka life. To me, happiness is this peace. When someone says “Are you happy? What makes you happy? I want to be happy”... I don’t know what this “happiness” is referring to. I want something bigger, more sustainable, a steady stream of love, peace, and one-ness. Wholeness. And I can only achieve that by first accepting my own suffering.

Sometimes suffering sucks. Let’s not sugar coat it. Physical pain in our bodies, grieving those who have died, mental illness, the trauma of racism or war. This teaching is not to sugar-coat our suffering or say it’s okay.

But rather to accept our suffering is an inevitable, unavoidable part of life and the human experience. Step one, witness. Step two, accept. Step three, surrender… eventually understand…. to rise above, alchemize, find joy, peace, and love.

How? Through suffering, we have choice. Maybe not all these options but we do have some choice: we choose who we want to suffer with (our friends, our partners, our chosen family), we choose how we suffer (do we dance every morning, do we make ourselves laugh about it, do we make art to get it out, do we protect others from what hurt us?), and we choose what we do with it (do we use our wisdom and experience to help heal others, to teach others, to find connection with others or help them process their own suffering, to go deeper into ourselves and learn to love ourselves?). 

Ultimately, we can choose to create through suffering. To create moments of joy, pleasure, peace, ecstasy, laughter, art, wonder, excitement, nostalgia, appreciation, connection, whatever it may be. That’s what our life-force power is. Particularly for women, who have the power to create life itself amidst the greatest suffering. Life being not only a child, but resources, structure, the amplification of our natural world, creative products, and magic.

Becoming more aware of ourselves, more conscious, and therefore improving our relating skills to other humans, animals, Earth, and those-who-are-not-of-this-earth, greatly reduces our suffering. Learning meditation, human design, receiving an astrological reading, etc, is a wonderful step on this journey to ease suffering. If you’re interested in taking that next step, you know where to find me.

I’ll leave you with this: Life isn’t fair, and then you die. So how will you choose to suffer today? Will you suffer with your friends? While you make a deliciously imperfect meal? Having out-of-control sex like an animal? Going out into the world and appreciating the weather, whatever it may be? Crying and feeling all your darkest feelings but still. Showing. Up. for. Your. life. Anyway? There is no right or wrong answer; it really is your choice. If you need help getting started, ask yourself “What is it that I truly desire?”

One of my favorite passages by Rumi, translated from Sanskrit:

“Dance, when you’re broken open. 

Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off.

Dance in the middle of the fighting

Dance in your blood.

Dance when you’re perfectly free”.