What is Conditioning?
If you work with me, you will hear me constantly refer to “conditioning”. What do I mean by “conditioning?” What constitutes conditioning?
Well first, we have the conditioning we receive when we are children from the primary adults in our life. The adults in our life condition us to survive: how to talk, move, respond, present ourselves, think, question, fear, and love. Our conditioning adults use the methods they have learned to survive from their own lived experience and those who conditioned them. Most of them are just doing the best they can to influence us in a positive way, but we are taking in their conditioning whether it be helpful or not.
Then we have the conditioning messaging and ideas we are exposed to in news outlets, entertainment, and social media. In addition, anything that we consume for fun and pleasure: books we read, podcasts, sexual content, music we listen to.
We are also conditioned by the social interactions we have. We take in the energy and emotions of the people we interact with throughout the day, or of the group and community we are in. Schools, systemized education, religious groups or organized belief systems all condition us, for better or worse.
We have environmental conditioning. For example, an unclean environment; contaminated water, soil, and chemicals in our food. A loud workspace with stressed coworkers you can hear exasperating through the walls. An apartment on a noisy city block causes a disconnect from our bodies. An excess amount of medication that is not helpful to us.
And finally, we are coming into this earth lifetime with past-life trauma and experiences of the soul. Some might argue these dispositions and karma conditions us on a soul level as well.
This conditioning isn’t really all “bad” or “good”. The idea is to become aware of it first, without judgment. Then notice if it’s helpful or not to you. It can be wonderful to receive certain kinds of healthy conditioning! For example, a friend who motivates you to take action from a place of their own fiery energy, or a family member who conditions you as a child that you should stand up for others in the face of adversity. We pick and choose the conditioning that serves us- that’s where the free will comes in! But we also need to know that we can’t stop the conditioning from coming in- constant conditioning is a part of life.
I first heard the term “conditioning” in my human design studies. In human design, there is an emphasis on how conditioning affects our decision-making. In human design, conditioning is also referred to as the “not-self” or the ego. It’s anywhere where you are out of balance with who-you-really-are (as Abraham-Hicks) would coin it.
At first I perceived conditioning to be synonymous with fear. I believed conditioning was essentially our fear. But my current definition and understanding of conditioning is:
The belief that there is something inherently wrong with you
An inner conflict
The division of self
Therefore the process of deconditioning is a sense of ONE-ness or WHOLE-ness. I am complete. All parts of me are heard, seen, and validated. I am in resolution. I am not perfect, I have dualites. I can be sad, I can be afraid, I can be jealous, but I am not in conflict with myself. I know myself. I am my own home and my own best friend in this body. I trust myself. I love myself.
Why else do we want to de-condition? To become more conscious. Why do we want to be more conscious? It’s a loop…. Because, according to the zen human design philosophy: “Your consciousness determines how you will receive conditioning”. Aka life.
So how do we begin our own de-conditioning process? Begin to recognize where you believe there is something wrong with you in life. A great first step is to be completely alone with your thoughts. Ok, that might be too scary for some of you!
Another first step is noticing your thoughts throughout the day. Notice when you feel inner conflict, shame, or other negative emotions in regards to the thought that there is something wrong with you. Are there any sensations of “division” within your body? Sometimes when I am in fear or doubt I feel in my body that I am energetically torn in half. And the thoughts here might sound like “I should… or I don’t know… I doubt”.
Lastly, notice anywhere you turn externally for validation and answers before turning inward. “Does this outfit look ok on me?” I don’t know, what do you think?
Here’s a vulnerable, personal example of my own deconditioning process. Have you heard of the book “Attached”? It’s a very popular book about attachment theory in relationships. Attachment theory says we have one of these attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, or an anxious-avoidant combo. When I read this book, I identified as an anxious-avoidant attachment style. And I received a strong message and took on the conditioning that since I was not a secure attachment style, there was something wrong with me.
While I believe there is great validity in attachment theory, that the intention of this book was not to negatively condition the readers, and it can be extremely helpful to understand ourselves better and be more conscious in a relationship, I think a lot of people read this book and also have the takeaway that there is something wrong with them that they need to “fix”. The medicine here is to be more self-aware, and perhaps change our thoughts, actions and patterns so we can improve our relationships as a service to ourselves and those around us.
After I read this book, I felt even worse about my relationships! When it came to dating, I made poor decisions, second-guessed myself, and over thought all of my decisions that I’d normally make with my gut first. I would go on second dates even though I knew from the moment I met a guy it would never work, because I thought by saying “no” I was being avoidant and blocking myself from potential love. I would not speak my needs and communicate organically and freely because I thought I would be “too much” or come off as anxious to a man.
To heal from this belief that I was broken since I was an anxious-avoidant attachment style, I had to decondition from the idea I had taken on that there was something wrong with me. Ultimately, this looked like creating a sense of one-ness; joining together the parts of my inner psyche and self that are in conflict. For example:
There is a part of me that wants love and affection
But part of me is also afraid of emotional intimacy (for me, the inner child)
They can both exist together and communicate to each other in a healthy, balanced way to get both their needs met. This is conscious and unconscious.
Psychosynthesis is a method for joining together the parts of the psyche in this one-ness… I practice this in a very spiritual style, using spirit guides and angels, as a major part of my intuitive insight sessions. It’s similar to hypnosis, but it’s basically a guided meditation of the psyche.
Through psychosynthesis methodology, I changed my attachment style to a secure one. But I don’t know if I would even say I healed myself, rather I returned home to my natural state of security and one-ness in myself. I dissolved my inner conflict and returned to who-I-really-am. One synergized sovereign being who can now sit in a relationship in a healthy way.
By acknowledging the different parts of ourselves and bringing them together…. Helping them to feel seen and heard… finding balance and mediation, or compromise (real Libran energy for the astrology folks out there)…. We can say we’re deconditioning.
A sense of oneness in ourselves, extended out to the world.
